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Aspie Theory of mind
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TOPIC: Aspie Theory of mind

Re: Aspie Theory of mind 2 years, 7 months ago #3566

  • Neil40
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Hi all, this is interesting. I notice this topic is called Aspie theory of mind, and yet I often think we are dealing with NT theory of mind. Have you noticed that in many situations it is the NT's that assume others can understand their thoughts and feelings without explanation?
I also believe that often these misunderstandings occur because expectations of friendhips or relationships have not been clearly defined or have changed. This can occur because the AS person doesn't want to create the boundaries for fear of upsetting the other person, and NT's just either assume we are naturally on the same page, or don't realize that Aspies need to understand where they 'fit' in a friendship and also need honesty in expectations.

I have to agree with Jodie, Rob the fact that you know there should be a response in the form of empathy is great. It upsets you that you can't feel others emotions is evidence alone that you are not cold or uncaring.
I used to
Be called 'the ice queen' , I had such a lack of compassion and empathy. Now as you know I am oversensitive to others emotions, which shows empathy can be learned! The challenge, I believe, is finding the balance, understanding the reasons for emotions and behaviours, sympathizing, but not taking on the emotions and feelings personally, as this can also be very taxing!

So Rob I feel for you that you are having doubts as to you empathy skills, but you do seem to us be caring, genuine and compassionate. When NT friends are honest with you and know the boundaries and expectations of your friendship they will see and appreciate your strengths.
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Re: Aspie Theory of mind 2 years, 7 months ago #3567

  • Neil40
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dyske.com/paper/911
Read this article Rob! Talks about empty capacity vs empathetic ability. It is very interesting. If I can paraphrase.... Baron Cohen suggests Male brains are designed for building systems, female brains built for empathy! But, empathy capacity is different to empathy ability. And, as we have discussed, empathy relates to personal experience and it can be learned! Yet! Love it when my opinion is backed by credible documentation! enjoy!
Last Edit: 2 years, 7 months ago by Neil40.
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Re: Aspie Theory of mind 2 years, 7 months ago #3584

  • AspieCialGuy
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Jodster wrote:
Just because we may not shed a tear at a funeral, doesn't mean we are not upset or that we may cry at another time, or just not know HOW to show our emotions. That doesn't mean that we don't have them!!


Except for the most recent funeral I attended, when I cry at a funeral, it is because I think I am wasting my life and that I did not have as much to do with the deceased as I would have liked to. I cry because it is too late for me and them and I cry because I cannot help being how I am for the most part (aspie)

At the most recent funeral I cried because I did not feel worthy to be associated with this person or his extended family. They are among the nicest people I know. I also cry for the immediate family and the grief that must be feeling.

This is really awesome, the fact that they are accepting you AS and all is such a wonderful thing. It shows that your friend has a great heart, and that they will be there for you.
yes they do.

The main thing is not to punish yourself when you do fail, but to applaud yourself for making a great effort to try, and then learn from what you did wrong and then hopefully do a better job next time.


I think a very important thing to remember is not to judge ourselves against NT standards. They are not our own, it's like trying to compare apples with oranges. We may have a similar shape, but our texture and insides are completely different!


Thanks, I will try.
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Re: Aspie Theory of mind 2 years, 7 months ago #3585

  • AspieCialGuy
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Neil40 wrote:
Hi all, this is interesting. I notice this topic is called Aspie theory of mind, and yet I often think we are dealing with NT theory of mind. Have you noticed that in many situations it is the NT's that assume others can understand their thoughts and feelings without explanation?


Yes. I also notice that Aspies tend to explain thing to other Aspies so that there is little confusion. Even things that seem ridiculously obvious to NTs, an Aspie will clarify just about every time they think there may be confusion between Aspies. I am not sure we do this for NTs. But I think this may be because we don't want to seem stupid, by their standards.

I also believe that often these misunderstandings occur because expectations of friendhips or relationships have not been clearly defined or have changed. This can occur because the AS person doesn't want to create the boundaries for fear of upsetting the other person, and NT's just either assume we are naturally on the same page, or don't realize that Aspies need to understand where they 'fit' in a friendship and also need honesty in expectations.


Platinum, Neils. I promised myself I would not cry......

The challenge, I believe, is finding the balance, understanding the reasons for emotions and behaviours, sympathizing, but not taking on the emotions and feelings personally, as this can also be very taxing!




So Rob I feel for you that you are having doubts as to you empathy skills, but you do seem to us be caring, genuine and compassionate. When NT friends are honest with you and know the boundaries and expectations of your friendship they will see and appreciate your strengths.


Yay

Gee you guys know how to make me feel better about me.

Re: Aspie Theory of mind 2 years, 7 months ago #3586

  • AspieCialGuy
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Neil40 wrote:
Male brains are designed for building systems, female brains built for empathy! But, empathy capacity is different to empathy ability.


I may need to come back to you if I don'r get something. Even your paraphrasing has my single-celled grey matter freaking out

Love it when my opinion is backed by credible documentation! enjoy!


Me too

Re: Aspie Theory of mind 2 years, 7 months ago #3591

  • Jodster
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Rob wrote:
Gee you guys know how to make me feel better about me.


That's cause you're tops

Rob I think you brought up a very important point. I've noticed that we tend to explain things a lot to others on here, and make sure we clarify things. I too have noticed however, that I don't do this as much with NTs as I do on here, except with S. I've noticed that since I've been on here, I've been explaining myself a lot further with him, and it's made it a lot easier for him to accept why I need to do things the way I do. He has quite a logical way of thinking too, so if there is a logical explanation, he's happy to go along with it.

I think one reason I don't explain things to most NTs sufficiently sometimes, as there have been instances where I HAVE explained myself quite thoroughly, but they got offended as they thought I was explaining something to them that was common knowledge, therefore making them feel like I think they are not very smart. I hope that sentence makes sense?? This has happened to me a few times, where I have explained something, as I would have liked it being explained to me, but it wasn't necessary, so I upset the people involved, and I didn't want to do that again.
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