I know that my wife does not love me at this point in time.shoukd I give up maybe? Has my wife told me there is no chance. No. If she was in the mindset that there is no chance irrespective of how I improve for myself then I would appreciate an honest it's over from her. She owes me that.
If I push then it's never going to work out. But conversely I can't let it drag on forever, that's where the counsellor will help - she has not told me to give up.

One other thing - My wife was on a quick downward spiral. I saw this and i am supporting her for the next 6 months to help her heal, in terms of giving her our son, not expecting her to work. I will be pretty pissed if this leads nowhere, but I know there are no promises. Who is supporting me?

It is my wifes birthday today. My son and I are cooking dinner for her and half of my family tonight. she is very happy we are doing this.

My family in some ways see this as a positive step, but some members wonder y it is happening. Why would u host a birthday dinner for the woman who broke your sons heart only a few weeks ago?
I am not naive enough to think it is a sign that we are heading in the right direction, but would like to think it counts for something.
My wife knows I still have hope so in many ways this dinner will be very painful for me. I just don't even know if my wife realizes this.

What do you do when you can see the faults you made, work on them but maybe for nothing? My life is just an absolute roller coaster at the moment and I feel like sometimes I just want to get off

Relationships go south all the time but I can't help thinking just when I needed the most support, being told u have aspergers and my wife bails! That's a huge kick in the guts.

Not very hopeful today. I get the vibe that my wife totally blames my AS for all our problems.thanks for that. I think that's rubbish. I am also feeling angry, I get diagnosed and get help and hey I get dumped. That's cruel if there ain't no second chance. Feeling tad bitter

ozman wrote:


Only you can decide to give up or keep trying.
But my wife told me she didn't love me any more some years ago. She also did not explicitly tell me that it would never be the same again and that she was not willing to change. Aspies need in-your-face honesty, otherwise we don't get subtle hints, etc.
So I thought it was possible for me to turn things around. Looking back now, The fact that she didn't want to change should have been a good indicator that she wasn't interested in "doing all it takes". Only love can make someone try that hard. And when the love is gone, it's very hard to get back, if not impossible. (but I can only speak OF my relationship, FROM my relationship - the only one I have had in 30 years)



Sometimes it is hard for people to be truthful, especially if there is still a small amount of feeling for them. They feel bad about hurting them, so they say nothing and hope that the person works it out for themselves. But maybe there are indicators and stuff that are too subtle for a typical Aspie to pick up on. But in reality, an Aspie wants/needs that in-your-face honesty.



One thing I have found with most counselors - they have their own agenda sometimes. If they are into "natural heeling" they will suggest incense and smoking weed ( joke), if they are Christian, the God will be the way, if they are married, then they will be pro-marriage, if they are divorced then they will have another approach. If they are Aspie specialized then they will explore that. If you instigated the counseling, they may tend to take your side. I do not believe any counselor is completely unbiased like they should be.

To blindly say "don't give up" is perhaps a bit simplistic and idealistic. Maybe (and she could well be) saying keep trying until you get a definitive "It's Over" from you wife, is a better philosophy.



That is a nice thing to do, but can I suggest that maybe you do this because you genuinely love her and want to help, not because you hope to get something in return. Yep, no promises or guarantees in life, ever.



Yep, you will feel alone. I hope this forum is some kind of support, but I know exactly what you mean.



If you work on your faults, then it will never be for nothing. You will grow as a person. This should be why we work on our stuff - for ourselves and not others. If others get something good out of that, then it is a bonus. I worked on my personal stuff for a while. I grew stronger as a person and didn't want to end my life any more. My wife never noticed any change in me at all. Do it for you and if there is a flow-on affect that is great. Never change yourself for someone else or because someone else tells you you should change. The motivation comes from the wrong place if you do. And if you do all that stuff for someone else and get nothing in return, you will be bitter.



Yep, and it feels like it is always going to be going downhill for ever. But no roller coaster only goes down!
Eventually it will go up - otherwise it is called something like "infinite freefalling".

Focus on the ups, even if they are tinny, and down-play the downs, even if they are huge.



I know EXACTLY how you feel. But some people are not prepared or strong enough to deal with other people's stuff as well as their own. You mentioned she was on a downhill spiral too. Perhaps she is not able to be there for you because she has a lot of her own stuff that she can't manage. And I bet she feels like she has no support from you or anyone else either.

That's when sometimes it is best to seek professional help from experts rather than trying to battle through it yourselves.

I know I wasn't there for my wife in ways she needed it. And I know she hasn't been there for me how I have needed her to be either. I do not think that either of us was capable of helping the other, because we were overwhelmed by our own problems.
Neither of us got the help we needed soon enough for ourselves, so we were never strong enough to be there for the other.

Sometimes it is just a really crap situation that no one wants and no one can help with. This is sometimes the sad reality of life that no one prepares you for.



Sadly, I think it is statistically all too common. For some a diagnosis is a savior, and for others it is a punishment.
Some resent it and some rejoice in it.

Rob

Thanks mate. I just have to keep on trying I guess even though I don't have much hope at all. I just really know that I will change massively now that I have the AS diagnosis. Y didnt I do something years ago?
I might be in a better place now! My life s fu..Ed.

Ozman,

I too have been through similar circumstances, almost twice. My first wife left me for mostly the same reasons as my current wife almost did and for similar reasons that both you and Rob have spoken of here. It wasn't until my second marriage was going south that I was finally diagnosed. One of the things that really struck me was when my wife told me that living with me was like living with a stranger, that was one of the things that lead me to being diagnosed.

I found a really good psych who was experienced in AS and it helped massively. Though it is something that I can never change completely I learned many mechanisms and techniques to minimise the impact on myself and those around me. I know all to well that I am not perfect but I also know I am extremely lucky to have the support of my wife.

I went through some very dark days when my first wife left me, there were times when I nearly didn't make it through at all but the support of the few friends I had made the difference. All I can say is no matter how hard it may seem now, never give up, if you need some one to talk to who has travelled the same road you find yourself on, feel free to PM or email me.