Hi Nellypelly/ Kim,

Frank comments OK. If I ever offend you (or anybody else on this forum) I sincerely apolgise, it is not my intention to do so and for me it is just my way of being honest. I am not a mum, but comparing my mum with the relation I have with her, I can understand you all (mums and dads) love your children. That's natural.

I do agree it is good to teach to do the right thing in social settings and saying hello and bye would be easy. But know when it doesn't come naturally it always will be something that requires an active thinking process. Therefore it can take a while before he says it. Example: I am 39, taught well by my parents (they did their best) but saying thank you is the most difficult thing for me to do. I know I have to say it but I never seem to find the right way or correct timing to do so. You would say after 39 years I should know by now. Yes I know, and there it ends. Putting that knowledge into practice (actual saying) can cost tremendous energy. It can take a few hours before I say it (then you are very lucky), it can take a day (still OK to come back to that moment to say thank you for) or longer (unfortunately you won't hear it at all, too much time in between and seems to be irrelevant to even mention it). I am not saying it applies to your son, just trying to explain how it can work.

Every NT is different and every aspie is too.
Second the first and last part of your sentense. Only spending time doing things I enjoy is a bit difficult due to my major depression disorder: enjoying anything is out of the question. Hopefully with new good psychiatrist we can work on that again.

That is every mother's wish: their child to be happy, safe and well. Their happiness is yours as well! But you can't protect him from everything from the outside world (only help him with encountered problems) and his life experience will also form him and unfortunately that is completely out of all our hands. I sincerely do hope that he can be spared from the hell I have been through (still am) and I think you have already made a great effort just by recognising his condition at a young age. I am sure it will make a big difference in how his life will be!

All the best.
Passie

It goes without saying that large social gatherings aren't my favourite passtime but I try to make the effort for my wifes sake. When she wants to go to a social gathering I will generally try to accomodate her because I know how hard things can be for her with an Aspie for a husband and 2 year old triplets who are also starting to show indications of being on the spectrum. So, normally I will agree to go with her but in the week leading up to the event all the "what if's" and playing out every possible scenario in my head starts until the actually event by which time I am already on anxiety red alert. Nowadays, most people we socialise with are aware of my difficulty and I rely on ear plugs and iPod so I can isolate myself while still being present, when I need to.

Then after the event there is the inevitable internal debrief and criticism; should have done this, should have said that, shouldn't have said that, what did they think of me ad nauseum.

Having said that, I love going to music festivals. It's not the crowd that bothers me so much as having to interact socially with the crowd which isn't an issue in the mosh pit! When the music is playing there is no conversation anyway and I can just concentrate on the music and feel the bass slamming through my body. It allows me to feel part of the crowd without any social obligations, it's pretty anonymous.

I find I most enjoy situations in my own home with one, maybe two max, other couple though it does take a while, sometimes even a couple of attempts before I can interact with some degree of normalcy which makes it hard because most of the time after the first time our guests will say something to my wife like "What's wrong with him? Doesn't he like us?".

But like anything, you can learn to cope and make sure there are mechanisms in-place for when things escalate, the key is being prepared!

Hi Flipper and all,

isn't it amazing how we aspies always seem to do all the effort of "fitting" in. And NT's expect us to be a part of their "real" world. That is socially unaccepted to be different. I just get so furious when that happens!

Do something for whoevers' sake, knowing that it is difficult if not impossible to do/ enjoy and it causes the red alert anxiety?! Why why why is it always the "weakest" link has to be the one who has to adjust/ adapt only to fit in or be accepted, when we are the ones who have the most difficulties to do that. That way we can never be ourselfs! Who are we denying now? OURSELFS!! Makes me soooooo angry. People have to accept me for ME, even with my weirdnesses. If not, they are out! Thank God I am divorced and I don't have to walk in line anymore.

Flipper, good on you with your earplugs. I can so relate to that internal debrief and criticism. Even though I realise it only increases my low self-esteem and self doubt I also do it and I become angry with myself.

For me it's the crowd that causes the anxiety. Loud music like music festivals are an absolute no no for me. Too sensitive hearing. For me the presence of people is enough even without interacting with them. At times like that, being in crowds, I shut down, disassociation and have to walk away to get my emotional beak down. I am still finding out my limits and that can be very painful. As you see every aspie is unique with things in common or complete the opposite.

another opposite: I like to invite nobody. My home is my refuge, where I am in control and can be myself. If people would come into my house I feel uncomfortable, anxtious and can't wait to get rid of them, even if it is family. I don't really mind to go to a friend but only when it is only me and my friend. More people already causes confusion because of the conversations and communication problems I have. I prefer to avoid people in general just because of it.
Flipper, as for first time visitor: be open from the start, safes you from remarks like that. Creates a better environment, much relaxer also for you because you don't have to wring yourself in all kinds of shapes just to act "normal".

I am living with my parents again (after 4.5 years living in Australia). Tough for a 39 single AS woman, with an AS dad and a mum who is running around still organising things to let everything run smoothly. My brother knows about my AS, so does my sister in law. Even when they visit, I will be in my room (actually mum's computer room) and don't participate. Too many people, including 2 lovely nephews but sooo chaotic. It is just to much to handle for me. I think I will have to learn to live like a hermit.

Funny to see how different aspies coping with life differently but still not as NT's would expect us to do.

cheers

passie

Hey Passie,

I have to say it is not all one way traffic between me and my wife. She makes a lot of accommodations for me and it is not that often that she asks me to go to one of those events anyway so I think it is only fair when she has had to adjust to me pretty much every day.

Music really helps to calm me, the more anxious I am, the louder the music and I listen to really heavy or fast music with a strong bass. That is what I am doing now as type this.

I like being around people, it is just when I try to decipher what is going on when there are so many people all talking at once that I get stressed or if there is chaotic noise. At least with music there is a structure, pattern and rhythm to it, doesn't matter how loud it is, the louder the better because it drowns everything else out.

I love music to the louder the better , it calms me n i can escape into it. dont know wat the neighbours think.

Julie - can you turn the music up? I cannot quite hear it from where I am...

Music is great - and I can generally use it to control some of the emotions that I am experiencing.

However, a few years ago I was listening to a punk rock band in the car (MxPx) - I found I had to get rid of the CDs as it had a dramatically NEGATIVE impact upon my driving.

Music can 'sooth even the savage beast'!

Mozz

PS: I think we are all chronic worrier warriors! I believe that we are all struggling to keep that under wraps though...