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Motherhood - it's not just me is it?
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TOPIC: Motherhood - it's not just me is it?

Re: Motherhood - it's not just me is it? 2 years, 1 month ago #3221

Jodster wrote:
...as I feel they need to know about the dangers. I am a little paranoid about something happening to them like Daniel Morcombe or other horrible stories like that that you hear. So I make sure they understand about both the wonderful people in the world, and the horrible ones as well.
I'm very glad that they are made aware, these things may not happen to everybody, but the old: "it'll never happen to me" is a risk too great to take.

I need to show this to someone who has some disturbing ideas about domestic violence being justifiable and that "If I do everything right it won't happen again," mind set. Would it be okay if I showed it to young woman with a heart of gold to reinforce that it's not something she can placate away if it happened to her in the future?

Jodster wrote:

It got to the point where I ended up taking some pills in the hopes of getting the attention I really needed, had been asking for, but not receiving.

It really upsets me when people say something dismissive in situations like this, "Oh, it's just a cry for help." Or, "They're just doing it for attention." I get quite fired up and go pretty mental at these people because obviously the person is hurting themselves for a reason, and if they're willing to do that then obviously yes, they do need attention, help, and support.

Jodster wrote:
I believe that if I had have known I was an Aspie that this would have made a dramatic impact on my ability to manage my own behaviours and be less affected by things than I was. However I can't look back and think what-if, or I make myself feel guilty and ashamed. I was doing the very best that I could at the time.
I don't know if I've mentioned this in another post before, but I used to be very hard on myself and blame myself for things I sometimes wasn't even indirectly responsible for, until I had a realisation that I remind myself of quite often.
We can only do the best we can with what we know at that point in time. It's impossible to have known any better than what we did. If we did know better we would have done that. If we look back and realise there were things we could have done differently with the wisdom of hindsight, and learn from mistakes, then we're still good people; we don't need to hold onto regret; and we have permission to forgive ourselves. Easier said than done I know, but it helps me.

Jodster wrote:
I am now a fantastic mum to my kids, and I know this by both my mum and her partner telling me how I have improved 100%, as well as from the kids themselves, letting me know how happy they are and showing me and telling me how much they love S and I. It has taken me 4 years to get to this point, but I think I needed to break to be able to become the strong person I am today. Everything I do now, has a purpose towards having the kids back in my life 24/7, and I am glad to say that I have support from all sides, which is a first for me.
:')

Jodster wrote:
I hope that no one thinks of me as a lesser person because of this. But I felt like I had to be honest and share just how hard motherhood can be for some of us, but also that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Quite the opposite actually, I think it took a lot a courage and strength. If people were to judge you badly for your triumphs over bad circumstances and "growing roses out of manure," then it says more about their character than it does about yours. I would not be at all surprised if you are not alone in this and there are other people out there who need to see that they too can find that inner strenghth to make changes for themselves and their loved ones. Thankyou, sincerely.

Have you ever read?
Last Edit: 2 years, 1 month ago by shezza_faithful. Reason: missed an important phrase
The following user(s) said Thank You: Jodster

Re: Motherhood - it's not just me is it? 2 years, 1 month ago #3222

  • Jodster
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Thank you so much Shezza for your words of support and encouragement, they really mean a lot to me!

Please feel free to show her anything that I have written on the subject, and feel free to write to me via email if you or her, would like to talk in more depth about the situation. I am happy to speak about it, I'm glad it's the past now and it's over, but if I can help even one woman to better herself and get out of those bad situations, I would be very happy to do whatever I can to help

The thinking of "If I do everything right it won't happen again," is totally false. Staying in that situation is just allowing it to happen again, over and over. You are letting them know subconsciously that it's OK and that what they have done is acceptable behaviour, and that if it happens again, you will just continue to forgive them. Also, you will NEVER be able to "do everything right", as a lot of these men (and sometimes women), will always find something wrong with what you do, no matter how much you bend over backwards for them. You end up bending over backwards for them so far that your back breaks and you turn into a doormat for them to walk all over you. One major thing I learnt from this experience is that no matter how much they say they love you, if they EVER abuse you mentally or physically, they DON'T love you!! They only love and care about themselves. You have to learn to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better in this life, and not to waste what short time we have on this earth on manipulative vultures like that.

Yes, I DID need support and help, and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to get it, I got shut down at every angle. It was quite depressing, seeing as how we teach our kids to ask for help whenever they need it, so you would hope that any kids needing help would not get the same lack of response that I did.

Shezza wrote:
We can only do the best we can with what we know at that point in time.

This is GOLD and what I live by now. It has taken me years to figure this out and stop being so damn hard on myself!! The mental abuse got so bad that I was literally brain washed, and did exactly as I was told. I know better than that now, and just live life doing the best I can with what I can right now. I love to learn new skills and am always looking to improve myself. But for now, this is me and I am sooooo much stronger than I ever have been in my entire life, and for that I mainly have S to thank, God and also my psychologist.

I am glad that I had the courage to share, I really feel as though I was meant to share this for the sake of someone watching (active "poster" or not). I would much rather a guest read this and never post, and have it change their life, than discuss this in private and miss an opportunity to help someone, which was my original thought.

I haven't read that book yet, I'll add to it my ever growing list!

Thank you again, your words have really touched me today xx
The following user(s) said Thank You: shezza_faithful

Re: Motherhood - it's not just me is it? 2 years, 1 month ago #3223

Re: Motherhood - it's not just me is it? 2 years, 1 month ago #3235

  • Neil40
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shezza said: "here's one thing, as an adult aspie (who's still neurologically an older teenager), when I look back over my childhood that I really wish I had: preparation for the outside world.
I seemed so intelligent and capable I guess people didn't think that I needed the warnings that other girls get from talking to each other.
In a way I'm glad I got to keep a lot of my childhood innocence for so long, but that sheltering came at a greater price later on.
I wasn't prepared for the "big bad world" and it led to a lot of damaging confusion and heartache.
I wish we had talked about those uncomfortable subjects at the dinner table.
I wish I had been treated as an intellectual equal instead of being kept in the dark and told it's none of my business. I wish I was more involved.
I know it may be an unrealistic desire, but all I ever really wanted was their friendship."


Shezza I can imagine this being so true for those who are not given the info nor the life preparation to
control their lives.
We are determined to make sure that our son understands his AS (EP) and that he learns to be resilient and street smart, it is the only way to survive in one piece!
Your post reinforces that purpose beautifully.

When I was a young adult I was adventurous for a country girl, and I took so many risks because I just didn't know any better! When it all turned to crap i would run away!
I will be making sure that J is able to be adventurous, but make wise choices and handle things when
things dont go as planned or fall to pieces.

Thanks for your wise words.
Last Edit: 2 years, 1 month ago by Neil40. Reason: Having trouble quoting
The following user(s) said Thank You: shezza_faithful, Jodster

Re: Motherhood - it's not just me is it? 2 years, 1 month ago #3236

  • Neil40
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Wow Jodie, you make my struggle seem so insignificant! Thank you so much for sharing your story, you really are amazing to have not only recognized your challenges, but fought to regain control of your life, and your relationship with your kids. Your approach is inspirational! I hope your kids return full time really soon!

Shezza, your honesty is awesome, I am always going to ask your opinion because you also have a wonderful and thoughtful insight.

Rob, sorry mate but the boy belly just doesn't equal pregnancy!
But thanks for your input and reassurance.

I am so happy we all met at the conference, it makes these posts so much more real and meaningful. This was a question i had been dying to ask, and i have gained so much understanding and reassurance from this thread (and a few tears:crying: )I hope that sharing our own stories does help others!
The following user(s) said Thank You: shezza_faithful, Jodster

Re: Motherhood - it's not just me is it? 2 years, 1 month ago #3263

  • AspieCialGuy
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Jodster wrote:
OK I think it has come to the time where I need to get something off my chest. I hope that this doesn't change how some of you view me as a person, a it was out of my control at the time.


For me it has reinforced in me that you are strong and I am glad to see how great you have come otu of this at the other end. We don't judge here Jodes

4 years ago I was in an extremely violent and abusive relationship, I was under so much physical and emotional stress that it was unbelievable. I was raising 3 children on my own, 2 with Aspergers and ADHD, one with Autism and ADHD. I was struggling to work part time to provide for the kids, as well as general life. This included regular beatings and immense psychological abuse 100% of the time, by a man who had OCD and was a narcissist. I was constantly accused of things I never did, and was forever treading on eggshells so that I didn't upset him.


I want to kick his ass - and give you a hug.

I yelled and cried and went off at him, screaming at him to never call her stupid again, that's a horrible thing to say, she's not stupid, she's smart!


Nice one

I had started showing major signs of OCD, having to have the house in perfect order all of the time. As soon as the kids stopped playing with a toy, I would pack it up. Things like furniture even had to be perfectly square in relation to the walls, things on the coffee table had to be sitting square to the table. It was all in effort to try and "control" a situation where I was out of control.


I do this now. So does my wife.

It got to the point where I ended up taking some pills in the hopes of getting the attention I really needed, had been asking for, but not receiving. I took enough that I knew it would affect me, but not be too harmful. I did NOT try to commit suicide, as I could not do that to my children, I just knew I needed help, and I could not get it, no matter how hard I tried.


This is tragic My wife sees people at her work who clearly do this for attention. I think they have to become unaffected by a lot of things or they will end up like that too. But those who do it for the attention are often thought of as attention seekers. Which I guess they are but, #1 - people wouldn't do it if they got the attention they needed from people they love, and #2 at least they love their kids enough to not leave them.

So I said "I'm sorry is my mental breakdown inconveniencing you?!!!"




Long story short (well short-ish) the Department of Community Services got involved, and the kids ended up being placed in my mothers care.




It has taken me the last 4 years to get myself back on track and in the right frame of mind to be able to handle being a good mother. I have always visited them, and mum has been great with letting me see them whenever I want to, as she doesn't have to. I am pretty much happy with the way she has raised them with her partner, there are a few things that I don't agree with, but they can always be addressed at a later date. The kids now come to stay with us every weekend, and we are hoping that once we buy a house that we may look at getting custody back of the children.


holy $#!† - you don't have them back??!!! This would be so horrible.

I was doing the very best that I could at the time.


Yes - I admire your strength

I am now a fantastic mum to my kids, and I know this by both my mum and her partner telling me how I have improved 100%, as well as from the kids themselves, letting me know how happy they are and showing me and telling me how much they love S and I. It has taken me 4 years to get to this point, but I think I needed to break to be able to become the strong person I am today. Everything I do now, has a purpose towards having the kids back in my life 24/7, and I am glad to say that I have support from all sides, which is a first for me.


Yay! I hate stories that have a sad ending. This has lifted my spirits again. What a harrowing situation.
I have nothing to complain about.

I hope that no one thinks of me as a lesser person because of this. But I felt like I had to be honest and share just how hard motherhood can be for some of us, but also that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.


It has made me think of you as so much more of a person because of this. Honesty and vulnerability is so hard in this world of criticism and judgement. This forum is a safe-haven as far as I am concerned.

There is definitely a movie in this, how gut wrenching would it be half way through, but it would finish with tears of joy.

I admire mothers who raise "normal" children in normal environments under normal circumstances.

You two and any other mothers out there reading this who are doing it alone with NT or aspie/ADHD etc deserve very special praise. Women are so much mentally stronger than men. Praise God for that.

I admire both of you so much.
Last Edit: 2 years, 1 month ago by AspieCialGuy.
The following user(s) said Thank You: shezza_faithful, Jodster
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